I'm a Dove, I'm a F*cking Nightmare.

April 12th, 2011

44 days down, 10 to go!!!! - This is all I have to say about that…..

Posted: 1 year ago | Tags: tom delonge Blink-182 blink182 mark hoppus Lent jonas brothers

April 10th, 2011

I Know It’s Hard For You To Understand What I’m Going Thru…

31 Days Down, 11 To GO! - This morning I found out that Lent actually ends on Holy Thursday, not on Easter Sunday. This means that instead of having 2 more weeks of no blink-182, I have 11 days. BEST NEWS EVER! At the persuasion of my friend Kirgan in Modblast, I listened to New Found Glory today. However, while I completely adore this band, I’ve already rediscovered them, so I can’t think of anything to say. Instead, I made this so you’ll understand how I feel right about now.

Posted: 1 year ago | Tags: Blink-182 blink182 tom delonge angels and airwaves ava Lent modlife kirgan

April 3rd, 2011

Seriously, me and blogging don’t get along…. Part 1 (3/24 – 3/27)

Alright so it’s been 10 days since my last blog about my Lenten journey w/o any form blink-182 in my life. I feel bad about that, but there’s been some stuff going on and I ran out of Adderall, and can’t get back to the doctor for a bit, so I don’t know how this is gonna work. I can’t think clearly at all.

Day 16 down – Thursday two weeks ago was fairly simple. I scrubbed Minun, my Honda Civic, while listening to the JONAS L.A. OST, wishing it were Joe’s solo. Then I took him into Honda b/c I realized his front bumper was bent down a little after my fender bender. I was told his nose is out of alignment, but not so much that it’s hindering the car in anyway. It’s cosmetic, thank God! I need breaks but am broke, so I sure as hell don’t need any other repairs popping up.

Day 17 down – Friday I sat around miserable b/c I got a sun burn from bathing Minun, just on my back. I was miserable, but my mom did take me out to Whole Foods to get some gluten-free cookies. Then just as my nephew was coming over to be watched I opened a Folio Weekly and saw this huge ass ad for David Kennedy doing a celebrity DJ set somewhere in town I’d never heard of. I began to panic, question if I should go due to Lent, and email/call 30 ppl to get ticket info. By the end of the night the venue gave me 2 free tix b/c I told them he knew me from Modlife. WIN

Day 18 – Saturday my mom got sick, so I spent the whole day one on one with my 7 month old nephew Tristan, but he’s cute as hell. I had fun w/ him watching Napolean Dynamite, and feeding him Cheetos. I didn’t get to sleep really though, and not having blink to listen to for 5 minutes really started adding up in the stress area. They lack of my meds made it worse. Music has a very calming effect on me, even the music that pumps me up. It really helps clear my head of a lot of the other noise, and blink is the best at it b/c I love it so much. I realized I’m def less at ease w/o them in my life.

Day 19 – Sunday, I hated Sunday. There was no real sleep had, I had to get up early to go to mass, my dad had become a help w/ Tristan but then he had to go to work so I got more one on one time w/ the baby who had a poo diaper leak, causing me to sprain my burnt back trying to hose him off in the tub, and then had a tooth break thru, causing him to be miserable for 3 hours w/ no comfort before finally developing a fever that made me go “FUCK HE’S TEETHING *face palm*. I felt dumb, but he was soo ok n back to his sweet cuddly self. :D I freaking love this kid and as soon as I get money he’s getting a blink shirt. He already has a Harry Potter World one. I’m gonna brainwash him like I did my niece Julie who by 10 could sing all of blink’s songs. :D After he left though, I could have def used a blink reprieve. I slept instead.

Posted: 1 year ago | Tags: lent David Kennedy tom delonge cutest nephew ever Blink-182 angels and airwaves

March 23rd, 2011

A Trio of Disasters (3/21 – 3/23)

The last three days have been pretty uneventful. Little was accomplished, besides accidently cheating at my vow to give up all things blink-182 a different way each of these days:

 Day 13 down. – Monday was simple. I went up to school to do paperwork after over sleeping, and spent the day on the computer trying to catch up. Since Ash Wednesday I haven’t gone into my room like at all except to sleep. My bed is near the door, so I’ve been using light from my iPhone to crawl into bed, as a means of not risking looking at my walls. They’re wall-papered in blink and AVA, and I can’t not make eye contact with Tom and admire how deep brown his eyes are whenever I see a poster out of the corner of my eye, and then gaze for a moment or seven. Well, I washed my bed sheets Monday and as I was making my bed that night so I could sleep, I caught Tom’s eyes out of the corner of mine, was immediately drawn to their beauty, before going “FUCK!”, closing my eyes and putting my head down. I began walking out while looking at the carpet and then Tom’s happy trail caught my eye just before reaching the door. Yes, I have a poster of blink in their underwear (not the orange one) hanging on my wall near the floor behind the door, and I saw it for just a second, but it was long enough to think “My God he has an awesome fucking body!” . There were some more obscenities muttered before I turned off the light and crawled in bed.

Day 14 down. – Tuesday I finished my paperwork at school, visited with my friends some, and came home, and had a mini Harry Potter marathon. Sounds great, right? Nope. I had pretty much seen Years 1-5 over the weekend, so I thought it made since to watch Year 6 when I got home. Well, when it was over my mom had passed out, so I thought it’d make since to watch Year 7, as in the Deathly Hallows Part 1. I have a descent rip of the movie from another country, but still has English audio, so I burnt it to a DVD. As I was taking 6 out I muted the TV, b/c I remembered that the menu music I put on 7 comes in with a bang, literally, and I didn’t wanna wake my mom. I kept the TV muted until after I had hit play and lowered the volume some, so I never heard the menu music. By the time the movie ended my mom was awake and my adderall was wearing off, so I was rambling quite quickly in a conversation with my mom. Sure enough the movie ended and the menu came in loudly again, but I was paying it no attention due to talking. After abt 15mins I finally shut up, and paused for a second before stopping the DVD. That’s when I realized that the music I placed in the Deathly Hallows menu, yeah it’s “Young London” by Angels and Airwaves. I screamed “FUCK!” and hit the stop button and just sat there. Mom was like “WTF?!?!” so I told her. In all fairness it’s the first 30 seconds of the song, you never hear Tom’s voice, and you only hear his guitar play 2 riffs, but still fuck! I love that I remembered it was loud, without it registering that it was AVA. -________________-

Day 15 down, 30 to go! – OH MY FUCKING GOD I MADE IT A THIRD OF THE WAY THERE!!!!! I fully expect the challenge has just begun. Today I went to school for lunch with the Catholic school group I’m a part of. My fatigue almost made me pass out walking up like 2 flights of stairs. Shortly after I got there I received the super important phone call I’ve been waiting for since Friday, so I had to schedule it for tomorrow morning. (YAY! That also means I can’t sleep in and should be asleep already) Went to the doctor’s, but didn’t get to speak to the dietician, so I get to die of malnutrition and fatigue for another 2 weeks. Finally made it home, and got the pleasure of taking a bubble bath with my laptop sitting on the toilet lid playing HD episodes of JONAS, and all seemed right with the world…..Yeah, until I got out, got back online, was bs-ing with my friends in blast and what happens???? Yeah, dk gets in, asks abt camming, I forfeit the whole “not speaking to the guys” thing in an attempt to beg him not to b/c I’ll have to leave, so that’s when him and Kari cammed, and again FUCK! Thankfully it was short and stupid, but I should’ve just closed FireFox when I saw green. Damn…….

Posted: 1 year ago | Tags: lent Blink-182 blink182 box car racer tom delonge David Kennedy angels and airwaves ava JONAS Harry Potter young london

March 22nd, 2011

So I Met the Bishop (3/20)

Day 12 of 45 down, 33 to go! – So I spent this past Sunday not how you’d expect. It was cheat day, but I didn’t spend it on the computer, panting and whimpering over pictures of the bands I’d kill to hear, or actually turning the lights on in my room and going in there for something besides sleep. Instead I went down to the Cathedral Basilica of St. Augustine, which is the first Catholic Parrish of America, so I could receive the Rite of Election from the Bishop of the St. Augustine diocese.  The Rite of Election in a nutshell is where after months of studying the Catholic faith as an adult wanting to join the faith, the Bishop makes you a member of the church, but not a Catholic, so you may learn more about how the church operates before fully joining. All I had to do was go to mass and stand when the deacon from my church said my name.

The day was fun though. Went to mass at 8:30am to write my name in the book Bishop Galeone would later sign, had breakfast w/ my sponsor and friend Hannah while talking boys, drove down to St. Augustine in her new Mustang jamming to Ke$ha, Cobra Starship, and Justin Bieber, went to mass, met Bishop Galeone for like 5 mins, took the picture you see, came home, and watched the Harry Potter marathon on ABC family, while looking at pictures of blink/AVA/Tom.

Nothing spectacular, but def a good day. :D

Posted: 1 year ago | Tags: lent harry potter tom delonge ava angels and airwaves Blink-182 blink182 bishop galeone

March 21st, 2011

I Fail at Blogging… (3/16 - 3/19)

Days 8, 9, 10, and 11 of 45 down. – So after my last blog abt how I’m spending my time w/o blink-182, which was on my failed attempt to reconnect with the love of my life, I didn’t wanna do much else, and I sure as hell didn’t wanna talk abt it. Last Wednesday (3/16) I honestly didn’t do anything spectacular, and just sat around reliving the day before. That Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were spent doing a lot of the same, minus the reliving heartbreak part. I know it’s Monday so I also need to blog abt Sunday, but Sunday was special, so it deserves it’s own blog. The highlights for the 4 days I’m covering are as follows:

I began rediscovering more of my other bands. – This time it was the Jonas Brothers and DanceGavinDance. JB was great b/c their music is very upbeat and/or really hits home for me, both of which are qualities I very much so need; positive distractions and understanding. Actually, Wednesday there was a video chat w/ Joe Jonas on Cambio, which is like a free Modlife for pop and Disney star, and that was fun to watch. He was in his overly cute n sweet, and sarcastic “DJ Danger”-esque mood, which I’m sure was later destroyed by his breakup with Ashley Greene. However, if you don’t think Joe becoming single is a reward from God for my progress w/ the no blink thing, then you don’t exist to me. Just kidding, but yeah…. As for DGD, I downloaded their last album “Downtown Battle Mountain Pt. II”, which is the return of original vocalists Jon Mess and Johnny Craig, and proves that despite everything they really are key to what makes that band what it is. The first “Downtown Battle Mountain” is such an obscure, brilliant piece of art. It’s unlike anything else I’ve ever heard. While their next album was still really good, there was this certain element missing. That element was obviously the vocals of Johnny Craig, and how his vocal strengths require different underlying music. Shortly after that album’s release, Jon Mess quit the band. I heard it was due to his health, which I get, but I went to a show 3 days after I got one of the song titles as a tattoo, and it was the single most disgusting thing I’ve ever put my ears through. Will writes the most unbelievable guitar pieces, but whoever told him he had talent as a screamer should DIE. After that the band was dead to me. So much so that my sis had to return a Christmas present for me, that really pissed her off b/c she had no clue WTF to buy me and thought she had scored the perfect gift. Well, I’m glad to say that with Jon and Johnny’s return my love for this band did too.

I totally fucked up unintentionally. – I took a nap Saturday, listening to a playlist called “The Markness”. This playlist was made mainly after he blew me off the first time, but I continued it during the rest of my time at UPS, until that whole “I don’t wanna be with her anymore. I want you. Oh! JK! Brb while I go marry her” thing. Well, I put it on shuffle before I laid down, and forgot that the first freaking track on it is “Say Some Dirty Words” off The Mark, Tom and Travis Show album. That would be the track that starts:

Tom: Ah shit! Let’s all say some dirty words. Everyone say “fuck”. Everyone say “shit”. Everyone say “dick”. Everyone say “Mark’s an asshole”.

Mark: Everyone say, *pants*everyone say “We hate Mark.” Yeah.

Tom: Now do this one. Everyone say “Fuck, fuck, shit, fuck.” That’s the kind of words you should be using at home, kids. What do you wanna do now?

Mark: I want everyone to cal me an asshole again.

Yes, that was entirely from memory. All I heard Saturday was the “Ah shit!” before I grabbed the cord for my earbuds and ripped them out of my ear. I had forgotten the track was on there since I totally selected the playlist w/o looking at my iPhone. Thankfully, yeah the iPhone didn’t make a loud bang when it hit the floor, but I did. The earbud in my right ear thought it’d be cool to try and take my tragus  piercing with it.  The tragus is that bump that is in front of your ear that helps protect your canal and reverberate sound into it. When it’s pierced they put a hoop and ball in it, and that’s what I still have. It wasn’t ripped out, but it did rip a little as there was lots of pain and some blood. This was not a fun experience as I woke in a panic, and really fucking hurt myself. Pretty sure that was a little reminder and warning from God. I also hung with my best friend Jay on Friday and saw the house he’s buying, but I’m not gonna discuss that b/c it would require opening up some of my inner problems.

Posted: 1 year ago | Tags: Blink-182 blink182 ava angels and airwaves tom delonge joe jonas dancegavindance lent jonas brothers box car racer

March 17th, 2011

A Day for Marks Everywhere….. Kill Me NOW! (3/15)

Day 7 of 45, 38 to go! – I know this is way late, but Tuesday was not a great day, and I didn’t want to relive it so quickly.  It was Mark Hoppus’s birthday. I believe he’s 39 now, but there’s something weird about his birthday and I’ve seen the year change over the years. Didn’t last year his dad even got his age wrong?!?!?! Yeah, exactly. Mark, what is your age again???? The world may never know. Anyway, I knew this day wasn’t gonna go well, but I wasn’t expecting it to be quite as bad as it was. Normally, on Tom, Mark, or Travis’s birthday I will listen exclusively to their music. So Tom I’ll listen to blink, Box Car, and AVA; Mark I’ll listen to blink, +44, and random songs like Simple Plan’s “I’d Do Anything”; and Travis I’ll listen to blink, Box Car Racer, Transplants, and random things like P. Diddy’s “Bad Boy For Life”. Obviously b/c I don’t have all the time in the world I listen to the entire blink discography on these days, so I listen to just what is sung by Mark or Tom, and cut out everything before Enema for Travis.

So Tuesday I didn’t partake in my normal celebratory routine. Instead, I continued my deep appreciation for Taking Back Sunday, which brought me back to my Mark. He’s been on my mind a lot recently, and I’ve been wanting and trying to contact him without much success. Tuesday I tried to find him via Words with Friends b/c he has an iPhone and almost all of us play that game. I found someone using “Markness” as a username, but after pretending to be a high school girl looking for her crush, I learned it was someone else. So then I tried messaging him via YouTube since there was a weird glitch this past weekend when I tried, but it still didn’t work. I soon realized that he had blocked me. I’m not sure if he did it when I messaged him last July and he deleted me as a friend, or if he did it two weeks ago when he got on after I tried to re-add him, but the fact remains I’m blocked. I had also been explaining the situation via Twitter to a Modfriend, and listening to “Cute Without the ‘E’” during this time, so the whole thing really just broke my heart. I also think I had some gluten in my dinner, which gives those allergic to it mood swings and also makes ADHD symptoms worse that also includes mood swings. The day ended with me lying in bed completely devastated just sobbing my eyes out. I ripped my iPhone off b/c the TBS was just making it worse and I couldn’t think of anything else to listen to, so I just cried in the silence with nothing to make me feel better. Moments like this are when I listen to blink-182 to comfort me and make me laugh, and then maybe follow it with Angels and Airwaves to add a little peace. However, this Lenten journey I’m on prevented me from doing that, so I cried some more over how much I really do need that stupid in my life. I wanted to die.

Posted: 1 year ago | Tags: blink-182 tom delonge mark hoppus the markness taking back sunday lent angels and airwaves ava cute without the 'e' (cut from the team)

March 15th, 2011

The Blog The Other Day Was A Lie… (3/14)

Day 6 of 45, 39 to go! – So in the “The Positive in This” blog I talked abt how great it was to rediscover some of my favorite bands. That was true, except for the part where I said I had rediscovered Taking Back Sunday. I had listened to them briefly, but I did not TRULY rediscover them, not like I did today. I fell asleep last night listening to Tell All Your Friends, but didn’t finish it, so today when I was making breakfast I decided to start it over and listen to it in its entirety. I think I listened to it on repeat 4 times straight. I almost tweeted like 12 times how fucking awesome that album is. Seriously, if you don’t own it you’re dead inside. Tell All Your Friends is the greatest album of our generation. It’s like Led Zeppelin. You HAVE to know it and love it. While listening to it I began texting one of my oldest friends, Jaimé, because today is her 1st wedding anniversary. This made me put it on Where You Want To Be. That album is a great reminder of being a teen with Jaimé. We became friends when we were like 15, b/c we were different than everyone else, listened to the same music, and could never get a boyfriend. One of our similar bands was TBS. It was 2003. Are friendship involved going to shows, her driving us to work, and driving around listening to bands and screaming the songs at the top of our lungs. There was time we even referred to each other as Mrs. Lazzara (me) and Mrs. McCraken (her).

Actually, when my sister told me blink broke up I had actually been sitting in this chair, devastatingly crying my eyes out b/c I had the worst head cold, my parents were trying to talk me out of going to a concert w/ Jaimé, and all I had to fight them was that me and her already had tickets and really, really, really wanted to see Matchbook Romance and Hawthorne Heights on the AP Tour. Then Holly came out, told me, and I started screaming at her that they didn’t, they were just taking another break like when Tom did Box Car Racer. She was like “NO! THEY’RE OVER!”, I began just BAWLING my eyes out, still fighting her on it, and my dad jumped in with “BLINK-182 DID NOT BREAK UP! HOLLY, SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW.”, because I was THAT hysterical over the whole thing.

Well, WYWTB actually came out on Jaimé’s 18th birthday (Yes, her and Fred have the same bday), which was 5 days before our first TBS concert, Warped Tour 2004, which was 5 days before my 17th birthday. Their performance is something we still discuss b/c literally everyone at Warped, but abt 50 ppl, was at the stage for TBS before they even came on. It was incredible. During this period we would drive around and listen to WYWTB endlessly, we made up a game called “WTF is Adam saying?!?!” b/c of how he slurred his words together and the fact we had no fucking clue what the second verse to Bonus Mosh Pt. 2, and we even had this joke where during I Am Fred Astaire she’d go “Hey Briana, Adam ALMOST screamed your name.” and I respond “It’s ok, HE’LL BE SCREAMING IT LATER!”. Yes, we were horridly lame. It just reminded me of what a big part of my life Taking Back Sunday has been, alongside blink-182.

After Where You Want To Be, I just went through Taking Back Sunday’s entire discography. I can honestly say I listened to nothing but them today. It reminded me of the good times with Mark at UPS. It reminded me of the pain of losing him on three different occasions, how that has caused me to own 5 different copies of Tell All Your Friends, and that’s how I started collecting vinyl. It reminded me of how I comfort myself in drunken loneliness by telling myself “I’m just going through my Adam Lazzara ‘lush’ phase. If he got married and had a baby after all that, I definitely will too.”. I remembered that the only music video Tom DeLonge has ever directed was for TBS’s This Photograph Is Proof. I thought about all the Macbeth promos he’s done NOT wearing Macbeths. I laughed over the email from Macbeth I got where they confess their love for him, despite not being able to make him happy with their shoes. (We love Adam. Seriously, a deep love. We are working on shoes for Adam, but he wants cowboy boots, not shoes, so it is taking a long time. Oh, that is an answer. Sorry, we didn’t mean to answer any of your questions. Damn. ) I remembered singing the start of Timberwolves at New Jersey while opening up Starbucks. I remembered the first and only time I FaceTimed with someone, and that it was Alan Cruz standing in line to see the reunited TBS line up. I cried to Everything Must Go, as it is everything I felt when Ian and I broke up. I remembered how they were the first band I found NOT thru blink-182. I thought abt all the times I accused Adam of stalking me. I remembered why I cringe whenever I see the pic of me and Adam. I remembered how Matt Rubano made fun of Tom when I met him. I thought abt how it felt driving to and from Orlando for the Deathly Hallows midnight premiere listening to Live From Orensanz with the windows down, and how nothing else feels like that. In short I remembered why I feel more Adam Lazzara in me than Tom DeLonge at times, and why I go back and forth as to whether New Found Glory or Taking Back Sunday is my favorite band, b/c I’ve loved NFG so much longer, but TBS is the band I’d be in if I had talent, and no one would notice a different in their music.

Today I remembered that Taking Back Sunday, not blink-182, is the soundtrack to my life. Blink is just the reason I’m alive in the first place.

Posted: 1 year ago | Tags: Lent Blink-182 angels and airwaves ava tom delonge macbeth taking back sunday adam lazzara

March 14th, 2011

A GREAT Day! (3/13)

Day 5 of 45, 40 to go! – I’ll make this quick b/c it’s 3pm, and I have actual things to do. Yesterday was AMAZING! And for no real reason. It was Sunday, I actually made it to mass and RCIA, took the long way home to jam to My Chemical Romance and Emery, and spent the day on the computer. All on 2 hours of sleep!  Since it was Sunday, technically it wasn’t part of Lent, so I could’ve listened to some form of blink had I wished, but that wouldn’t have been much of a challenge and would make the whole blog thing kind of pointless. Instead, I just allowed myself to actually look at them (since I’m not making eye contact with my bedroom walls), and talk abt them all fangirl-like, ergo the computer. THERE IS NO BETTER PLACE TO ACT LIKE A HYSTERICAL BLINK FANGIRL THAN ON SOCIAL MEDIA WEBSITES WITH MODFRIENDS! I started by doing a Google image search for Tom Delonge plus some other random word thrown in there, found some good stuff, posted it to Tumblr, and became a Tumblr celebrity with that shirtless one of DK. We laughed, I cried, and the day was a total success! I also loved all that bad jokes abt that stupid fucking Rebecca Black song, which makes me laugh & cry just thinking abt it. I think I like yesterday. I think it’s good. It’s something I can get my head around. <3

Posted: 1 year ago | Tags: Blink-182 lent ava angels and airwaves tom delonge David Kennedy rebecca black winning

March 13th, 2011

This is from the same lady who took the b&w pix I posted earlier. This one should look familiar. In another hour I will return to missing this band so much! <3

Posted: 1 year ago | Tags: tom delonge david kennedy angels and airwaves ava lent